It's 12.10AM right here in Singapore and I can't fall asleep. A few thoughts running through my mind & I thought I'll just pen (or rather type) them down here.
If you're still around, we would have been planning where to party tomorrow night, or heading to a new cafe for brunch. There's so many new cafes popping up one by one recently, you know? You've promised to be my brunch buddy, so why did you leave so early and suddenly? No words can describe the realness of my dreams whenever you appeared in them, so can you please tell me that it's really you who visited and it's not just a dream dream? Never a day did I live by not thinking of you, and coming back here knowing that you're not just a 5 minutes walk away just makes it hurt even more. This scar still remained fresh and the pain just won't go away, so please promise me that you're happier up there.
I've always been telling myself that "What's meant to be will be, what's not meant to be will only cause more hurt if we keep forcing it to be", but only come around to practicing it and living by it only recently. It's like how you're always being envious about someone having a toy when you're young, about this other girl who always seem to have nicer clothes than you, and then about others who seem to have the perfect relationship while you can only sit by and watch. But for all you know, that toy may not even be fun to you, the dress may not even be of a nice material or fit you, and the most perfect relationship to strangers will always have its own problems that only the parties involved can understand. Rather than pursuing what you don't have, I guess it's only better to treasure what you have. & it makes life easier, and makes living much happier.
Y'know how saying something is always easier than practicing it, and how advising people who fell out of love is always easier than getting out of the pain yourself? Every time I see my best friends getting hurt, feeling upset and being in similar predicaments as I was in the past makes me want to tell them that "I really understand", but I guess, time is the best medicine anyone will have. Nobody can "really understand" unless they're you yourself, and I think what matters most is to let them know that they'll always have your back no matter what. & so I chose to support you no matter where I am, be it in Australia or in Singapore, you just can't drive me away because I want to care for you because you really mean a lot to me.
I wanted so much to share my joy when I received my results, scrolled through my phone list but I found no one to talk to. I always get the "Told you so" and "Aiya I knew it" whenever I tell my friends about my results, or getting the usual "Scared for what" when I told them that it's time to view my results. Not that I'm boasting, I'm just trying to say that there doesn't seem to be anyone who really understand my fear when viewing my results. I'm an extremely egoistic person, and getting results is like passing a sentence on my performance over the past semester. I've worked really really hard; people may not see it but when I say that I work hard and am stressed, I really mean it. So I just turned to my mom, smiled at her and told her that I've gotten my results. They're the ones who truly felt happy for me, and they seemed to understand when I told them how relieved I was.
People come and go, how about those who left and returned? True, I believed we've sorted out our differences and there's no longer any bad blood or angst between us anymore, but sometimes, I just wished that things could go back to how it was. It's hard, I know, but be assured that no matter what, I'm always here, & what I want is simple, is for you to live happily. Truly.
I thought I found a friend in you, from the times we shared stuff to talking on the phone almost daily even when I was overseas. But efforts put in simply shows that this is not true, & I could definitely tell when things started to change. If that's how you want it to be, for a superficial friendship, I could only just play along and not expose you directly. I wouldn't want to hurt you, or make things look difficult for you, but sometimes, I just feel that I cannot live with this type of superficiality. So please pardon me if I float away, because it's only best for the two of us.
It's okay if you don't understand any part of this post, but if you do, it's probably meant for you. & if you read it and understood it, I'm glad.
To a better week ahead,
Est.
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